Out in the Open

WARNING: Lengthy blog ahead.

Something I've been dealing with for quite some time but just haven't blogged about yet is what I like to call, "my eating problem." While I've been doing much better, and eating hasn't really been too much of a "problem" for me lately, it's still something I deal with on a daily basis. I haven't written about it before because 1.) I didn't want to sound like a freak, 2.) I wasn't ready to identify the problem(s), and 3.) it just seemed too complicated.

Even now I don't really know where to start. When I think about it, I guess it started back in my early teens. Maybe, 13? 14? To sum it all up, I was always active and enjoyed exercising and doing things like dancing, gymnastics, etc. I remember my family would go out to eat, and I'd always just stay home and have a bowl of cereal. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe partly because I wanted to just have dinner while watching tv, and maybe partly because cereal was healthy ... because staying in shape was something that was important to me. And when I do things, I like to do them to the max. Call me a perfectionist.

During 2 years of college I dated a guy, (yes we all know who,) who was also a health nut and personal trainer. He taught me the lovely "food diary" idea, where you keep track of everything you eat each day in order to keep track of the calories. I always ate a healthy amount, and never had any problems. I wasn't obsessed, it was just a healthy habit I had. Sure, I would become a bit anxious/depressed if I went several days without exercising, but still.

Fast forward to 2007. If I had to pinpoint a month, I'd say that the end of the summer is when my problem really began to manifest itself. I'm sure many people go through phases in their lives where they just feel "dumpy." Well, for several months I felt "quite" dumpy. There were so many things that helped to contribute to the "dumps" I had. The loss of our dear family friend Leroy, the death of my grandpa, trying to adjust living with my boyfriend, (which don't get me wrong, is wonderful. But I think it's always a challenge at first when two people move in together.), I was feeling depressed career-wise, my skin went to total s**t, and I was severely missing my friends and family back home. All of these things seemed out of my control. But out of all the things I "couldn't" control, my eating and weight were something I "could" control.

Around the end of September I began restricting my food intake. At first I started at about 1,300 calories a day, but that quickly became 1,200 calories a day. My goal was to eat 1,200 calories a day or less. If I could eat just 850 calories in a day, that was a good day. Because not only would I have reached my goal, I would have reached "beyond" my goal. (Keep in mind I know all about healthy eating and that eating too little isn't good for you, etc.) But the more days that passed, the louder this irrational voice inside my head became ...

I became obsessed with food- and not eating it. I would plan everything I would eat during the day the night before on fitday.com to make sure I wouldn't go over my calories. I had the amount of calories in each serving of all the food in our cabinets memorized. Some times I would have to remind myself that WATER has zero calories. I started weighing myself each week, because losing weight each week made me feel like I accomplished something. (I'm the type of person who is constantly setting goals and trying to accomplish things.) Food was constantly on my mind, and I began to feel anxious around it. I began to despise eating in front of people, because I felt as if I was being watched, or that I was eating too much. I felt even more depressed than I had before, and it was putting tension on my relationship with Chris. The more control I thought I had was just an illusion; I was really "out" of control.

I lost 15 lbs during about a month and a half, (and I wasn't at all overweight to begin with,) but gained most of it back by Christmas because Chris began to get really concerned and I was determined not to let my eating problem get in the way of our relationship. I've been making it a point to eat healthy again, but it's hard. There's still that voice inside my head telling me to eat 1,200 calories a day or less, and to lose 5-10 more lbs. I still occasionally have those days where, if I eat over 1,400 calories, I feel like I've failed and so I'll eat everything in site. Some times, I still get anxious when eating in front of Chris and so I'll wait until he's in the shower before I have my bowl of cereal. But those days are getting fewer and more far in between, even if it "is" something I have to consciously battle in my head every day. And as OCD as I can be some times, I have to remember that there "will" be things out of my control, and that's okay. Life's too short to spend it in constant hell inside your head.