Tales from the E-Bar

Frozen Nipples
I approached the table of four, with two twenty-something girls, one twenty-something guy, and one 50ish man. "Can I get you started with an appetizer like our ginger soy calamari or our nui nui coconut shrimp while you're looking over the menu?" I asked. The pepper haired, 50ish man responded by looking me up and down, and, in a rather drunken sounding slur, said, "Yes ... your nipples ... frozen." "I don't think they're on the menu!" I said as I laughed uncomfortably. The other three sitting at the table looked at the 50ish man, (probably their father,) and also laughed uncomfortably. Finally, after they ordered their dishes which did NOT consist of frozen nipples, I was soon bringing out their food. "Is there anything else I can get you?" I asked. The frozen nipple wanting man took my hand and laid a big, slobbery kiss on it, all the while mumbling something I couldn't understand. Ugh, this is disgusting! I thought as I quickly drew back my hand. Later, to top the meal off, I asked if anyone wanted to try some dessert and Mr. Slobber Kiss Man motioned for me to lie down on the table. Ugh. Yuck. Check please!

The Three Shot Martini
Sitting at the table were two middle-aged mexicans, one man and one woman. I came over to the table and asked if I could start them off with something to drink as they looked over the menu. "A diet coke for me," the man responded, "but for the lady, a martini with a shot of vodka, a shot of gin, and a shot of vermouth." He said as he smiled sleazily. "He's trying to get me drunk!" The woman giggled as she returned the man an equally sleazy smile. Aaaaalrighty then. I thought. What a nasty sounding martini! But despite the nastyness, I brought out their drinks and some fiery kung pow shrimp quickly followed about ten minutes later. But when I brought the food out to their table, they were both gone! The only thing there was an empty martini glass. That's rather strange ... Then, about five minutes later, the couple returned from out of no where looking flushed, giggly, and a bit sweaty. Eeeeew! I don't want to know WHAT they were doing or WHERE they did it! Too much information.

My Favorite Customer
My favorite customer: a twenty-something dark haired guy who always comes in and sits at the bar while distracting me when I'm busy. I'm kidding. NOT my favorite costumer. Well one day, after sitting at the bar and downing six bottles of beer, a Bloody Mary, and who knows what else, he asks the hostess if he can be seated in my section along with a sober friend who was coming to meet him there. I told the host, "I do not want that guy in my section! He always bugs me to death." Well ... they sat him at one of my tables anyway. Ohhh goody. Over the course of the next hour, this drunken guy continued to make an ass of himself and embarass is painfully sober friend by saying things to me like, "I just LOVE you!" "We're going to be really good friends. No, I'm serious. We're going to be friends." "You are soooo sweet and midwestern!" "I've been sitting here watching you with your little ponytail bouncing from side to side!" "You're so beautiful!" And my favorite, "Do you have a boyfriend?" (asked about 4 times,) with my response each time being "Yes." And each time he'd say either, "Well ... I have a bunch of model friends who you could choose from. You haven't even seen them yet!" or, "Well ... you and your teacher guy should come to my bar and I'll give you FREE drinks!" Hmmmm. Thanks ... but no thanks.

One of the Most Annoying Orders I've Ever taken
"Can I get the Oriental Chicken Salad with no cilantro, eggs on the side, bacon on the side, wontons on the side, rice noodles on the side, no cranberries, and I want the chicken breaded instead of grilled, I don't want the iceberg lettuce that comes in the salad I want romaine and baby greens only, I want a side of oriental sauce and also some honey mustard. Fat free and on the side. OH, and I want the bacon in a seperate container so I can give it to my dog."

One of the Stupidest Questions Asked
"I want a rootbeer to drink. Oh! Can I get it in a glass?" To which I responded, "No. You can only get it in a bowl." Duh!