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Friday, June 29, 2007

It's Friday.

Well, it's Friday. And that means I'm getting ready to head to work soon (blahhhhhhh.) Except this time I'm comforted by the fact that this is the LAST Friday I will be working before flying home on Thursday! Yaaaaaaay! I'm soooo so so excited about NOT working for 10 WHOLE DAYS and seeing all my friends and family and having Chris get to meet them all too! :D

Speaking of Chris, if you read the blog he wrote entitled "Busted Things," we are doing much better now- and NO I do NOT want to break up with him! :P After all, he's my ultra cuuuuuute Chris-dah-ris!!!

I just remembered that I haven't gotten my step-bro Jay a wedding gift yet, although thankfully Esther sent me the link to his wedding registry today. They're registered at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Why do ALL couples who get married register at "that" store every single time? All my friends who have gotten married in the last couple of years have ALL registered there. I mean ... it's a good store and all but ... there's a MILLION other stores too! For example, you can set up your wedding registry at this great wedding site that allows you to create your own list of ANY item from ANY store, and people can purchase them online just like Bed, Bath and BLah blah blah. lol. AND to make Bed, Bath, and Beyond worse, I wanted to purchase them the fondue set on their list this morning and the silly site won't even work! Grrrrrr. By the time is DOES finally work, some one else will have probably purchased it for them. Grrrrrrrrr.

Anyhow I don't really have time to say much right now because I have to eat and get ready for work, etc. But soooooooon I will be basking in the beauty of my time off work and spending it with the people I truly care about and love! (Awwwww!) Heehee.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Black Widows

As apartment complexes go, mine has quite of bit of grass and trees. And, since I live on the first floor of this very spread out complex, I expect to see spiders, ants, and other insect-based critters in my apartment, especially when it's too cold or hot outside.

What I wasn't prepared for was Black Widows. It seems the spiders I've seen and killed three times, within my apartment, are indeed Black Widows. One jumped out at me when I was moving a stack of papers that had begun to smell. (My cat had dumped water onto the papers and mold had begun growing on them. Ewwww). I spotted another Black Widow approaching my mattress shortly after I woke up one morning. It made it as far as the edge of the mattress before Toasty tore it to pieces. And, I smashed one that was scurrying across my bedroom floor. Outside, I spotted another Widow one night and tried killing it with Maximum Strength RAID. However, I had to empty about a fourth of the can onto the spider before it would stop moving! I sprayed so much toxin that much more would have suffocated either Toasty or me.

The scary thing is that I never had any idea that the ugly spiders I had come across were Black Widows. So, a few weeks ago, when I saw one of these spiders dead, on it's backside, trapped in, what looks to be the web of an even more powerful spider, I looked at its abdomen and saw the telltale red hourglass design. I quickly did an image search on Google for the Black Widow, and confirmed my worst suspicions. Not Cool!

Here's what I discovered about the Black Widow while searching Google, and arriving at a site hosted by UC Davis.

- When do bites occur?
Widow spiders are not aggressive and bites can be infrequent even when large numbers occur. The adult female spiders usually remain in their webs unless forced by adverse temperatures or destruction of their web. They do not forage for food and the insects they eat are caught in the webs and eaten at the site. Human bites mostly occur as the spider defends her web if it is brushed against or accidentally pinched. Occasionally, bites occur from hungry widow spiders when a hand or foot is dangled in front of the nest.

- What are the symptoms of poisoning by widow spiders?
Widow spiders inject a toxin that affects the nervous system (neurotoxin). Muscle and chest pain or tightness are some of the most common reactions to the widow toxin. The pain also may spread to the abdomen, producing cramping and nausea. Other general symptoms include: restlessness, anxiety, breathing and speech difficulty, and sweating. Swelling may be noticed in extremities and eyelids. Death usually results from respiratory paralysis.

- What do the eggs of widow spiders look like?
Eggs of widow spiders are laid in an egg sack, attached to the web of the mother. The sack is pear shaped, and creamy yellow, light gray, or light brown in color. About 200 eggs may be laid in an egg sack and females may produce several egg sacks if conditions are favorable.

So, despite the fact that only about five to six percent of Black Widow bites prove to be fatal, I think it's time to go nuclear and wage an all out war on the Black Widow. I'm not a fan of respiratory paralysis.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Busted Things

Last Saturday, as a show of solidarity, I too injured a toe, except, in my case, it was the pinky toe on my right foot. Of course I'm kidding about doing it to show sympathy for Allison, but I did injure it barely two to three hours after finding out about her toe. I was simply walking to my room when I fell back, kicked my feet forward, fell forward, and landed my right foot straight into the corner of a wall. I'm pretty sure it's fractured since it makes crunchy noises each time I move it. For your viewing pleasure, I've included a picture taken late Sunday night.

Lately, I've become obsessed with cataloging all of my DVD's. What I mean by cataloging is scanning is the cover art for my roughly 217 DVD's. The idea was inspired by Allison's difficulty in choosing a movie to watch, taking anywhere between a half hour to forty-five minutes. I figured it would be easier if she actually knew what the movies are about. So, since I don't have the space to stack 217 DVD boxes, I figured being able to read the descriptions on my computer would be the best solution. It also makes sense because it allows me to read what the special features on each disc are and tells me how long each movie is, something most DVD's, as opposed to VHS tapes, don't seem to list these days. So far, I've spent three days, doing absolutely nothing else until about 4 in the morning, working on this project. Just trying to get scans for DVD sets that can't be folded into a scanner took an entire day. Oh yes, and the warping of the paper on the cases makes things a job for Adobe Photoshop.

I've also tried going through all my stuff and do some much needed Spring - Summer Cleaning. Things tend to pile up when you're always busy with work and school. So, seeing as how I'm neither working nor in school right now, it seems like the best thing to do. I threw away three large garbage bags of paperwork Saturday, and I still have three more stacks to go through. That's not even counting the two cardboard boxes of paperwork associated with the classes I've taken the past two years. I need to go through all of that and organize it so I can study for a 16 hour examination I have to take in November before receiving my Masters.

Finally, I ended my fabulous Monday evening with over two hours of complaining straight from Allison. It would seem that's her thing this month, starting with the fabulous blog she wrote about me June 4th. This time she was furious because, yesterday, when she tried to force me to, in the future, sleep with a fan on, because she likes it that way, I refused. No one, not even Allison, has the right to force their desires or style of living on someone else, especially when it's in someone else's home or apartment. Then, I was railed against because I haven't compromised on the fan issue. Now, I would have compromised, if she had broached the fan issue in an attempt to compromise, but, when she attempted to force me into sleeping differently in my own apartment, compromise went straight out the window. As it is, I let her leave my window open while we're sleeping. For those who aren't from California, leaving the window open during the night is quite dangerous. And, last week I bought healthy foods just to please her. But, I will not be forced into anything, not in the one place that is mine - my apartment.

Now, I don't know where she picked up the idea that ragging on me all the time is somehow going to make me love her more, or that trying to force her preferences on me is going to make me give in, but it's not working. Maybe she's mad because I don't feed her lines and run to the store in seven minutes to buy her Ben and Jerry's ice cream like the men she runs into at work and on her spare time. Or, perhaps she's irked because I call her out on things. Part of my master's program involves utilizing rhetorical devices to create or dismantle an argument - nothing irks me so much as having someone rag on me using arguments that don't hold water. At that point, it's clear that the complaining is purely for the sake of complaining, and I point it out. I've decided she's trying to push me into breaking up with her. After all, she told me how she doesn't ever want to move in with me because her roommate told her it ruins a relationship. Completely avoiding the total lack of logic in that statement - if it were true, marriage would destroy all relationships - it's clear she most definitely does not want to be with me.

Good Morning to everyone - I'm headed to sleep.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I'm Terrible.

Yesterday at work the guy who always sits at the bar and bugs me, (the same one I've written stories about in previous E-Bar tales,) and who is always trying to talk to me, invite me to meet his "model friends," etc. was sitting outside on the patio talking with a couple of my "co-workers." I was finishing up my last couple of tables and was getting ready to head out for the day. I stepped outside on the patio to get some fresh air and "the guy" was talking to 3 other servers, (2 girls and 1 guy,) and so I just sort of stood there, half paying attention. Well some how ice cream came up in the conversation so I decided to insert my tw cents into the convo, "Ohhhh, I love ice ream. Ben and Jerry's chocolate mint cookie chunk is one of my faaaavorite kinds!" After I said that, I went back inside to clock out, etc. About 7 minutes later, one of the guy servers who was talking about ice cream with us came up to me and was like, "before you leave, that guy wants to ask you something." "Uhhhhh ... okay?" I responded, a bit puzzled. So I'm heading out the back and the guy comes up to me and asks, "Would your foot feel better if you had some ice cream?" "Uhhhh, probably not." Before I knew it, he was handing me a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate mint cookie chunk ice cream. I mean ... he literally RAN some where and found me my favorite kind of ice cream in like 7 minutes. Impressive. However, now I feel obligated to be nice to him despite the fact that he's always bugging me. Is a pint of ice cream really worth the obligation it carries with it?

Today I went to The Grove to stop by Barnes'N'Noble so I could of course look at wedding magazines and recipe books. Unfortunetly, it was MAJOR sale time today at The Grove. We're talking EVERY store was having a major sale. I tried very hard to resist even setting foot inside a store ... but ... I was allured into Victoria's Secret by the sweet aromas coming from all of the fragrances that were on sale. (75% off!!!) I tried SUPER hard to not buy anything, but ... alas ... my willpower was no match for the super cute blue Body By Victoria tank top that I spotted. It was love at first site, hehehe. And then I made the bad move of trying it on and it looked great! Damn. I bought it. I'm terrible. BUT normally it would have cost $55 but I got it for $25. Still pricey for the cheap SKATE that I am ... but ... what can I say?

I then headed to the Farmer's Market where I bought a basket of fresh strawberries for only $1.98 to enjoy for dinner ... which ... I'm going to eat right about now. Mmmmmm!!!!

In fact, I was going to write more, but I'm now too hungry to write anything else! :P

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Owwwieeee!

My poor, poor big toe. About an hour ago I was getting in the shower to rinse-off, (seeing that I was quite sweaty from having just worked-out,) and as I was closing the big heavy sliding doors to the shower, some how ... the door managed to come off it's hinge thingy and it fell full weight directly on the bottom of my big toe! AND not only did it CRUSH my poor toe, but the metal edge of the door completley sliced my toe open. Owwwwwwieeeeeee!!!! It hurts. Bad. Like ... I can't stand on it or move it. I'm afraid I may have broken it but I haven't fully checked yet. And ... the extra sucky part of all this is, is that I have to leave for work in about 2.5 hours, I don't think I can even get a shoe on, let alone walk around on it for like 8 hours! Meeeeeeeeehhh!!!!

Ho hum.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

My Happy Week

I think everyone needs to go out and buy a carton of fresh strawberries right now! Why? Because I just made the most delicious white chocolate covered strawberries!!! Mmmmmm. Just buy a bag of white chocolate chips (or milk chocolate,) melt them in the microwave, dip the strawberries, let them chill for a bit, and then mmmmm!!! Yummmmmy!

I'm currently enjoying FOUR days off in a row from work- FOUR days!!! It's been wonderful. Last night Chris and I went to the Olive Garden and I ordered the most wonderful caramel hazelnut macchiato, and a super yummy shrimp and scallop with fetuccini alfredo dish. Woah. Yum. Chris ordered an Olive Garden pizza. ALSO yummy. Then we spilt a Tiramisu for dessert. It was the best dinner I've had in a loooong time!

Last night Chris showed me the movie 'My Fair Lady,' which I had actually never seen before!!! I knew quotes and some music from it and everything, but I had never actually SEEN it before. It was a very enjoyable fim.

Today Chris and I went grocery shopping for Chris' groceries. I'm slowly but surely making progress in my quest for Chris' healthy eating. Instead of getting beef for burgers, I got him to get chicken breasts for chicken sandwhiches instead. Instead of buying a big bag of Doritos, he got a big bag of dried mangos. AND he also got a bunch of apples and deli meat. Oh and bananas! : D Hehehehe.

Today I bought 'Fright Night' on dvd. Yay.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Wishlist #2

Today I bought some stuff on my wishlist #2: KITCHEN ESSENTIALS ... hehehe! I got:
- TWO 9" round cake pans (the nice nonstick, heavy stainless steal kind!)
- A muffin/cupcake pan
- THREE nice, different sized, cute mixing bowls
- A measuring set that included measuring spoons, cups, and a big measuring cup (liters and oz)
- An apple slicer
- A set of spatulas
- And a brightly colored strainer
Grand total? Only $46! I think I did a pretty damn good job in saving money! :P I can now make layered cakes, cupcakes and muffins, among other things. :D

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Ouch.

Ouch. Cramps. They hurt. Lower back aches. Ouch. They hurt too. Major bloating action and feeling a little like the marshmallow man. Not cool.

Okay, going to go work-out now. Blahhh.

That's all I have to say. Period. (Hehehe, get it? Get it? ... Yes I'm dumb.)

Monday, June 11, 2007

Sooo Good

Today I went to the Farmer's Market that's next door to eat lunch and ended up eating at this little restuarant called The French Crepe Company- daaaaamn it was good! I hadn't had crepes since my mom passed away in '98, so it's been nearly a decade, and I LOVE crepes! I ordered La Versailles, which was this big crepe filled with fresh strawberries and topped with powdered sugar and whipped cream. Mmmmmm!!! Soooooo good.

Oh oh! I stopped by Ross just for the heck of it and ended up looking at their cookware. Woah! They have tons of good cookware for CHEAP! (Well, cheap compared to every other place!) I could have bought all the baking pans (cake pans, brownie pans, loaf pans, muffin pans, etc.) for like $50. I almost loaded up on tons of stuff but decided to force myself to wait a little longer. Maybe tomorrow. lol j/k :P

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Color me Happy!

I think that on one of my days off this week, (either Monday or Thursday,) I'm going to head over to
Color Me Mine in Beverly Hills, which is this really cute art studio that I actually found out about while I was looking in one of those 'Star Magazines' and saw a picture of Paris Hilton painting there. (Thankfully I won't have to worry about bumping into HER when I go- hehehe. Ehem. Sorry.) ANYWAY it looks like loads of fun. You get to choose from over 400 ceramic pieces to paint, ranging from every type of dinnerwear to interior decor to figurines and supplies. After you paint and glaze the piece, they then "fire" the piece up for you when you're done and you get to bring it home! And of course, use it if you want. I can't decide what I'll want to do! Maybe a set of really cute coffee mugs. Or plates. Or ... or ... or maybe I'll just wait until I get there to decide. :P

Friday, June 08, 2007

Q and A


It's Q and A time with me, the wedding planner! Today, Jones (AKA Becky,) asked me this question:

Q: "So, can you give me advice like what percentage of a wedding budget should go to each part? Dress, flowers, food, reception hall rental, gifts for the wedding party, etc? What are all of the parts that I need to think about? (Note that I am NOT engaged. I don't want you to be confused. I'm just THINKING about it. That's all.)"

A: Typically, most people allot approximately 50% of their budget for the reception, (location, food, beverage, etc.) and then allot up to 10% each to flowers, photography, attire, and music. The rest goes to stationery, favors, gifts, and any other details.

However, this is just "on average." Before you plan your wedding, know how much you can spend (and stick to it!) and then decide what's most important to you (and your man.) Is it having a great photographer? Is it your dress? Is it food? You may decide to allot more money on your dress and spend less on flowers, for example.

And lastly of course, you have to remember that your guest list directly effects the cost of your wedding. The more people you have, the more expensive it will be.

And also remember that any budget can be tailored to your wants and needs. For example, I've come up with wedding budgets for a $4,000 wedding (and it would be a GREAT wedding!) So you don't have to spend a fortune, (compared to today's average of $20,000 for a wedding,) you just have to know the tricks on how to cut the costs.

My Wish Lists

Feel free to NOT have to read this, because the following is simply a list of all the things I both want and need. :P But I like to have it all typed out so I can look at it. I have 5 different "wishlists" of things I need to save up money for.

* Wishlist Number 1: BUSINESS START-UP COSTS

* Wishlist Number 2: KITCHEN ESSENTIALS
COOKWARE:
- Sauce pan
- Stockpot
- Griddle
- Skillet
- 17-piece tool & gadget set
APPLIANCES:
- Blender
- Electric mixer
- Toaster oven
- Starbucks espresso machine
BAKEWARE:
- Two 9" round cake pans
- 8" square brownie pan
- 13" x 9" square cake pan
- 9 1/4" loaf pan
- 18" x 13" cookie sheet
- Muffin/cupcake pan
- Cooling Rack
- Spatulas
- Nonstick rolling pin
- Ceramic mixing bowls
- Storage Containers

* Wishlist Number 3: COMFY SLEEPING :P
- A super nice bed that will last me forever!

* Wishlist Number 4: 4 MONTHS LIVING EXPENSES FOR WHEN I START MY BUSINESS

* Wishlist Number 5: SAVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FOR THE DAY I'LL NEED A NEW CAR

I just conquered the first two most expensive items on the BUSINESS START-UP COSTS list, the computer and printer/copier/scanner. I also currently have $1,200 saved for living expenses/emergencies. Woo hoo!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Obsessions

Mmmmm. I just made myself some tastey chicken and vegetable stir-fry with a yummy citrus sauce and cashews. My tummy definetly said "yummy" and then it thanked me. :P

It's kind of funny. This past year I've noticed some new "obsessions." Like, I all of a sudden started loving seafood. I mean, what the sam hill? I used to DESPISE seafood! (Except canned tuna of course, hehehe.) Not only have I started loving seafood, (particularly shrimp, scallops, muscles, salmon tempura rolls, and calamari,) but I've also been obsessed with the idea of cooking. I've always liked to cook, (especially cookies,) but everything else was pretty easy and boring. Like ramen, grilled cheese, and mac & cheese. But for the past several months, I've spent many hours going to Barnes'N'Noble looking at food and drink recipes. And since I've gotten my new computer, I've printed off lots of recipes from the Martha Stewart site and yesterday I watched a video on how to make these extra super yummy pancakes. I even started a "recipe" notebook where I have all the recipes that I think look yummy-licious compiled.

But with my sudden urge to start trying new recipes I have run into a small problem: I don't have the necessary kitchen equipment! I realized there's so many things that I would need. Including basic cookware, (pots and pans), appliances, (mixers, blenders, toaster, etc.), bakeware, (cake pans, cookie sheets, muffin and loaf pans, etc.), and cutlery, (nice set of knives, obviously.) And let me tell you, as I'm sure many of you are aware, things like pots and pans are damn expensive! But I'm going to start slowly trying to accumlate the list of essentials.

Another thing I realized since my roommates have recently decided that they want to move out and buy a HOUSE in Santa Moncia (sooner rather than later- maybe even at the end of the summer,) is that I don't have a bed- or even a matress! So I need to start saving for that. I would like to buy a really super nice bed, one that is not only of excellent quality and comfort, but one that will last a LONG time. (Preferrably like ... forever.) :P But the one I want costs like $1,800 (and that doesn't include a head board or anything.) Grrrrr. :(

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Mmmmm and Ewwwww

This year spring cleaning came a little late for me. But over the past 2 days I've been very productive! Let us now examine just HOW productive I've been:

1. I cleaned out and threw away the heap of junk that has been taking over the space in my car trunk since I moved.

2. I cleaned out the back seat of my car, which had boxes full of stuff that I had been too lazy to put away so I kept ignoring it.

3. I went through all my clothes (including underwear) and threw MANY articles away.

4. Went through my purses and kept only my favorites and got rid of the ones I don't use.

5. Went through all my notebooks filled with various things and threw those away.

6. Basically I went through ALL my possessions and threw away stuff. :P

7. Finished uploading ALL my cds! Woo hoo!

8. I cleaned and scrubbed Kara and I's shower because it was disgusting ... now it's sparkling!

And there you have it. Spring cleaning about a month and 1/2 late. Ooops.

Today at work I was bent over cleaning something on the carpet and a guy walked by and said to me, "Nice territory." ??? Ewwwww.

Last night I got a caramel macchiato from Starbucks for the first time in probably at least 6 months. Usually, I get a white mocha, but for the past several months I switched to getting chai tea lattes because they're much healthier for you. WELL. I am convinced that caramel macchiatos are one of the most delicious drinks that Starbucks has to offer. And not just ANY caramel macchiato. No. But a grande caramel macchiato, upside down, with nonfat milk, 5 pumps of vanilla, extra hot, no foam, whipped cream, and extra caramel. :P Mmmmm it was SOOOO good! And even that is much better for you than a white mocha. I have a new favorite.

Hehehe- I Love Cats

Not only are cats damn cute- but they also provide me with much laughter and entertainment. My dad sent me this ...

My Screws are Loose!


Tonight, my roomie Kara walked in while I was sitting on the bedroom floor watching Donald Duck cartoons and cutting pictures/articles out of wedding magazines. Apparently, this means I have "a few screws that are loose." Surely I'm not the only 23-year-old who spents much time cutting things out of wedding magazines while watching the wonderful Donald Duck? :P

Today while I was at Starbucks, I ran into TWO different customers who started complaining that I don't work there anymore. Apparently, customers have been asking where I went and complaining that I left. Breeeeh he he he he- oh yeah, I was just THAT good at making people their lattes! :P

Oh- and despite the fact that I recently posted a complaining and ranting blog about Chris entitled "Dump Bugs," I would just like to say that he is still absolutely, without a doubt the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. I'm VERY lucky. :)

Monday, June 04, 2007

A Different Note ...

And on a completely random note, I really like the new single by Kelly Clarkson "Never Again," and despite the fact that I'm not a big fan of country music, I really like Carrie Underwood's song "Before he Cheats." I just downloaded them both the other day. :P

And the lovely Kelly Clarkson ... (even though I don't really like the VIDEO, lol)

Junk Removed

Ah. I feel much better today despite the fact that my nose is much more clogged today then it was yesterday. It's amazing what a nice long ranting blog will do! It felt great to get all of those twisted thoughts out of my head so that I can think clearly again. It's like moving a pile of junk that's been building up in the middle of your room. The pile of junk just keeps building up and the bigger it gets, the more it gets in your way and the more likely it is to trip you and actually hurt you. So, moving that pile of junk to some where else, say the garage, gets it all out of your way! Maybe I'll be able to take that pile of junk to the dumpster later and get rid of it for good.

As I was going to bed last night, (or should I say this morning,) after writing my blog, I already felt much better. I almost deleted the blog so no one else would have to read it. I didn't really care for the thought of people reading it, especially after I felt so much better just having written it. I was like, "well, I feel some what better, maybe I should just delete it." But I was too tired to turn the computer back on. And besides that, you shouldn't do things like rip pages out of your diary! Especially those long, heartfelt rants. Even if the rant is a bunch of overthinking. That way you can look back at the entry and be like, "Woah! What the hell was I thinking?" Hehe.

Oh yes, and I want a Toyger. My dad sent me an article from Life Magazine on Toygers and now I completely want one! It's a domestic cat they're breeding to look like a little mini tiger! Ahhhhh! Soooo cute. They should be "complete with all the traits" by the year 2010. Me wants. SO cute. There's a whole page on them at www.toygers.org

Dump Bugs

During the past couple of days, in addition to being sick, I've also been feeling a little on the down side as well. Not just physically, but emotionally. Tonight when I was talking to Chris on the phone, he couldn't help but notice that I didn't really sound like myself when almost every response I gave him was, "Nice."

I realized that I wasn't completely sure why I felt so down, although I had a few rough ideas of what might be some contributing factors. Despite the fact that Chris asked me why I felt so dumpy, I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. I would open my mouth and nothing but a squeek would come out of it. (Literally.) Partly because I myself wasn't sure of ALL the reasons why I felt bad, and partly because I didn't want to share with him the reasons I knew off hand. I knew he was already tired and stressed from studying for his final all weekend and I didn't want to accidently say something that might make him upset. So I decided to keep my mouth shut.

One thing that has sort of been weighing me down is the fact that I haven't heard the words "I love you" for a long time. In fact, the last time he told me that was through a text message sent on April 27th. (I saved it so that's how I know the exact date.) I remember saying "I love you Chris" a few weeks ago as we were getting ready for bed and he didn't say anything in response. I guess that just sort of threw me off. I mean ... I know he does ... but ... it's been over a month since he's told me that he does. The last time was in April and it's now June. I know maybe he doesn't need to hear it as often as me, and I don't even need to hear it every day or all the time, but it's been over a month and it's sort of been eating away at me. It just leaves this tiny little ... "uhhh ... does he still love me?" thought flowing through my head. And I haven't told him again since the night he didn't respond.

Another thing is that when I talked to him today, he didn't even ask me if I was feeling better or how I was feeling at all. I felt awful yesterday and had a 104.8 fever as I was heading to bed last night and he didn't ask me anything regarding how I felt when I called him this afternoon. I'm sure he cares ... but the fact that he didn't say anything made me feel like he didn't.

Lately I've been recording songs for fun and posting them on my myspace profile. Last week I posted a song called "Toxic" (Britney Spears,) so that I could test out all the cool special effects. When I told Chris, he said that when he listened to it he didn't even make it half way through the song because he can't stand Britney Spears. I was slightly annoyed that he couldn't even listen to 3 minutes of song so he could hear the cool effects I added, but I let it go because I understood his dislike for Britney. Well today I spent hours recording a new song, "Kissing You" from Romeo and Juliet. I played the piano too! All Chris said about it was, "it's better than the other one. It's not toxic." But what does that mean? He hated "toxic," so what does, "well it's better than the other one" mean? Couldn't he have just said something like, "oh ... I like it!" instead of something that gives the affect of, "oh it's better than the other one which was awful." I mean I don't expect gloating compliments and praise, but I spent hours on it and he just one-upped it from a song he dispised.

Several times on the phone over the past couple of weeks Chris has said something like, "I'm waiting for YOU to say something," or "You can't seem to carry a conversation without me." Now ... you would think that hearing something like that would make me much more talkative. That I'd be like, "oh, yes, I need to say something now!" But instead it's done just the opposite. I just freeze. I immediately get afraid that he thinks I'm boring and when I try to come up with a topic I just freeze! It's like one of those awful dreams where something bad is happening and you need to yell or scream but when you open your mouth nothing comes out. I have things to say, but lately I've been worrying so much about the fact that he thinks I can't carry on a conversation that I literally can't. It's like when some one tells a child that he/she is stupid, and then the child begins to ACT stupid because he/she assumes the person who told them that is right.

Him not saying "I love you" makes me wonder, (and then feel guilty for wondering in the first place,) me being sick and him not even asking anything about how I feel makes me feel like he doesn't care, his rather "blah" sounding compliment about my song makes me wonder if he even liked it at all, and the fact that he has accused me of not being able to carry on a conversation by myself has left me feeling so paranoid that I freeze. I freeze and then feel even worse because I know that my silence probably bores him. And then I begin to think, "He probably knows alot of smart/interesting girls ... why would he want to stay with some one whose boring?"

One completely ridiculous thing that has added to my feelings of inadequacy is a memory from many months ago. Back in early September, I remember reading several old blogs written by Chris' ex during the time that they were dating. Her blogs made their relationship seem so wonderful as she recounted all the wonderful things they did together and for eachother. The same week I read them, Chris' ex sent him a text message telling him that she was still in love with him. I'll admit that for several days I was worried that he would want to leave me to go back to her. Chris assured me that he didn't want to and I believed him. And I still do. That was that. I haven't been worried about him wanting to leave me for her since. But from what I read back then I can still remember all these "wonderful stories" that she told. Like how he suprised her by coming over and welcoming her with a long stemmed red rose, or how he drove all the way over to take care of her when she was sick, or how they had a special hotel and restaurant just for them. I hadn't given any of these stories a second thought since back in September until now. But some how, in my already worried and sad state, I began to think twisted thoughts like, "How come I've never gotten any flowers?" "How come he drove all the way to her apartment to take care of her when she was sick, but when I'm sick he doesn't even ask how I'm feeling?" And "How come we don't have a special hotel? Or restaurant even? Technically they went to the Elephant Bar together first, so that's not really *our* special place." I know it may be utterly ridiculous for me to think things like these, but with all the other things I've been thinking they just happened.

All these things have sort of rolled into one to create what I like to call "the plague of the dump bugs." Each reason and thought is a little dump bug that bites me. Now, some one might be okay after being bitten by only ONE dump bug. But after many bites from many dump bugs, all the poison from the dump bugs begin to coarse through the person's blood and make them sick.

I didn't want to sound selfish and make Chris think that I believe he doesn't care. Because I'm sure he does. I don't want him to think that I'm ungrateful for the things that he HAS done, because I am. That's why I didn't want to explain why I felt down. I was afraid that telling him these things would make things worse. If I don't tell him, then he will be upset at me for not being open and honest. And if I DO tell him, then he might be upset when he hears what I've been thinking. I wouldn't hold it past myself to screw up things with the one guy I really love. But I just can't seem to stop the dump bugs from biting me.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Blah.

Work was awful today. I felt kinda yucky last night before bed, and was still feeling yucky this morning when I woke up. So I took some medicine and by the time I had to work at 4:30pm my temperature was down to 101.5. However, working 8 hours in the chaos known as the Elephant Bar on a Saturday night is NOT a good way to recover. By the time I was done I felt a million times worse and as I was driving home just now, I felt so weird ... like I would be driving and I'd forget what just happened. I'd be like ... 'was that light I just drove through green? I think so' ... that's so terrible! Blagh. And I have to be back at work tomorrow morning. I must go to bed now ... yes this blog is "blah" because that's how I feel at the moment. Oh well.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Must ... Get ... zZZZZ

I've been sitting at my computer for over 6 hours uploading all my cds onto my computer. Now, at 3am, 650 songs later, I think it's time I went to bed. The depressing part is, is that I don't think I'm even half way done ... BLAHHH.

My throat is starting to hurt. I hope I'm not getting sick ... that would be BLAHHH.

Woah, technically right now it's June 1st! I can't believe it's already June!

To bed ... must ... get ... sleep ... neeeeed sleeeep ... zzzzzz