You decide, because Chris certainly thinks so.
Monday night, I was laying down on the floor watching tv. Chris had a pen in his hand and decided to try and stick the pen up my nose. Automatically, I batted the pen away from my nose, causing the pen to fly out of his hand and onto the carpet. (Chris likes to point out that the pen "bounced off the remote" before it hit the carpet.") He immediately began to get huffy because he then pointed out, ("after" trying to stick the pen up my nose,) that it was an expensive pen, that I could have broken it. He told me that I should be sorry because I could have potentially damaged his pen(there was no damage done,) and was quite outraged when I said I "wasn't" sorry. When I explained "why" I wasn't sorry, he started raising his voice and called me a "---- bitch." Allow me to explain why I wasn't sorry.
1. I had no idea the pen was "expensive" when he tried to stick it up my nose.
2. I didn't intentionally try to damage the pen. When some one tries to stick a pen up my nose, my first instinct is to bat it away.
3. Chris has tried sticking his fingers up my nose MANY times before, and he knows I don't like it. I always swat his hand away. So WHY would he try to stick his "expensive" pen up my nose in the first place?
After I explain these reasons to Chris, he says that they don't matter. That "it's not the point." He says that regardless of my reasons, I should still be sorry that I could have potentially damaged his nice pen. In fact, when I told him the above reasons for not being sorry, he said I'm "so proud of my actions." That I'm "proud" to act like a bitch.
Well, the topic got brought up again this evening because Chris was like, "I got you something, if you behave." (Which started us arguing over it again because I didn't/don't see my behavior over the pen fiasco as "misbehaving.") The more I would explain why, the more angry Chris got. He must've called me a "fucking bitch" close to ten times. According to him, he called several people earlier today and they all agreed with him that I was acting like a bitch. He was like, "no wonder everyone thinks you're a bitch!" Finally, after lots of arguing and getting no where, I got so frustrated that I went into the bedroom and laid down on the bed for 3.5 hours. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. When Chris walked in, I pretended to be asleep so we wouldn't start arguing again. Well at 10:30pm when he came in to go to bed we started arguing- again.
Some one please tell me, should I be sorry that I could have potentially damaged his pen? Because right now I'm not. And I don't appreciate him calling me a "f--king bitch" over and over. He also brought up other things (which I won't go into because I'm too tired,) but the point is, is that Chris doesn't think I know how to take responsibility. I ate a nutty bar yesterday on the couch and set the wrapper down on the floor when I was finished. I planned on throwing the wrapper away next time I got up, but Chris ended up seeing it on the floor, (and was quite outraged,) and threw it away himself. He seems to think that I put it on the floor "knowing" it was going to get chocolate on the carpet. When I explain to him that, a.) I would NOT have set it down on the floor if I knew it would make a mess, and that b.) I "was" going to throw it away when I got up, he says I'm just making excuses.
Now because of tonight Chris thinks I intentionally like to argue right before bed and that I don't want him to get any sleep. That I always would mention how I used to get only 3 hours of sleep when working at Starbucks so that it makes "his" not getting any sleep okay. (I may have mentioned my sleep deprivation because of Starbucks a few times in the past, but I haven't said that it makes "his" not getting enough sleep okay.)
Ummm, help? Opinions? And no matter the situation, I don't appreciate my own boyfriend calling me a "fucking bitch" over and over again. I have no desire to talk to him after that. "Am" I a bitch? I'll let "you" decide.
Writer's Block: I wanna be just like you
13 years ago
7 comments:
Before I go to work - with no sleep - which I know is just peachy because it doesn't compare to working at Starbucks, I'd like to point out that:
1) I never said, "I got you something if you 'behave'." Using that word is just for show.
2) You called me a Bleeping jackass several times. So please, don't play innocent.
3) That you're intentionally leaving out the problem - that you're treating everything like some bad pissing contest. "Look, I can place melting chocolate on the carpet. It's only 105 degrees." "You get no sleep? Who cares. It's nothing compared to Starbucks." "Your shirts were ruined by my facial cream? Who cares. At least yooou don't need that facial cream." And on and on.
Jewels.... Jewels.... Jewels... Well after reading that and please take this that I have the highest respect for both of you even though chris if You are reading this from what I have heard about you before you seem like a cool guy. Anyways Look, its a pen, and a wrapper, things happen in life so what. I mean I would love to have someone as awesome as You Jewels. So this is what I suggest and this is just my humble opinion, A) be nice to each other. I mean do you really think that each He is awesome and you love each other. So talk with respect to each other. B) Its a pen. I mean you can always buy another Pen, but where can you find another allison or another chris. Its not like they are half price at walmart, and lastly Number C. I mean I sat on a candy wrapper earlier today got it all over my uniform and everything. Now if you can't believe each other when you say hey this was an accident or that was an accident. Then guess what there is probably a much bigger issue at the current moment then a candy wrapper stuck to a buttucks or a pen that goes dashing acrost the room. Well anyways I'm off to the orphanage to help with the Kids that I work with. I love ya allison and don't stress so much about this stuff. UMMM KAY
cheers
George
Jonathan is wise--More later--sadly there is much work to be done and not time to comment. In the mean time listen to George. =)
Hi Allison!
The disclaimer, I suppose, is that I tend to believe fights are rarely just one person's tango, you know? Usually, whether purposefully or not, it's a decision on the part of both people in said argument. Since I don't know Chris at all, I obviously don't know his perspective on the entire issue, and that's important too, but probably actually more important for you to know than for me to know!
My first thought is that there are things other than the pen that Chris is upset about. Possibly there's something other than the pen that you're upset about too. So first and foremost be brutally honest with yourself. If you don't know what's bothering you, you're not going to be very good at listening to what's bothering him. What is it that's really upsetting you?
Secondly, and this is the other hard thing I've learned about relationships (although I'm not always very good at putting it into action): It doesn't really matter. Which isn't to say that my feelings and my anger and my irritation isn't relevant - it's more that so often we get so wrapped up in telling people why WE personally are upset or what our needs and feelings are that we forget to listen to their feelings and their needs and such. So really you need to ask Chris about why he's upset about the pen. It's very possible that the bigger issues you're upset about may come out in that conversation. At this point don't try to tell him why you're upset with him, just listen to why he's upset with you.
Rudy taught me something, and it's REALLY hard for me to do, and we're a lot alike sometimes so it might be hard for you to do to, but I highly recommend it. Essentially, it's being a good listener: you ask someone about something and then you listen so that you can repeat back what they've said to you. Not word for word, or anything like that; But paraphrase. Basically the idea is that if you listen and you can paraphrase back what the person was saying to you, then you've really listened to the person.
A third thought, sometimes you just have to say you're sorry. This is possibly one of the most difficult things to do - particularly if you feel you're not in the wrong. It sort of comes down to are you more concerned about being right or are you more concerned about the person you love? If the answer is the latter, sometimes being the first person to say 'I'm sorry' is a highly valuable thing.
Finally, and not entirely related, although partially so. I guess I'd be really bothered by name calling like that. Rudy and I don't call each other derogatory names, even joking. I think as harsh as it gets is when I'll call him 'such a geek', or he'll call me a 'geek girl'! Basically in both cases they're true and I don't think either of us actually consider that derogatory - I certainly don't. I mean, I am a geek!! Calling each other names, even joking, can undermine respect and love in a relationship. Most guys really need that respect and want to feel competent in their life. Competency to them is usually what being loved and told we're beautiful is to girls. I don't know if that's the first time names like that have been used or not, but it might be worth sitting down and determining together that you're not going to use derogatory terms with each other. It's just a vow to respect the other person in the relationship.
So in conclusion, I don't think you're a bitch. I think you're human. We're all pretty much human. We make mistakes and in arguments particularly it can be really easy for things to escalate to a level of ridiculous. I think in relationships you always have to consider the other person ahead of yourself. & in a good relationship the other person will do that too. If you end up in a relationship where YOU do that and they never do, then that's probably a very unbalanced relationship and bad! Chris seems like a really nice guy, and I know you're a very cool person, so I have confidence that you guys can work it out.
Love you darling & praying for you & all those good things
-Master Christy
Yo man!
Well, your nose is far from the first place I would try to stash
something that I actually "valued." (No offence—it's a cute Who nose
and all) but if he was worried about "how do I know what damage you
may have caused my pen! –Is my pen alright?!?!" than your nose
shouldn't be his storage facility of choice. (i.e. I'm guessing he
wasn't that upset about the pen—more on this below)
First off though calling people names is a bad habit to get into—I
think one of the hardest things in any relationship is to maintain a
tone of civility especially when you're upset—it's so easy to just let
loose but it's so damaging cause you can't take that back. You can say
you're sorry, but it doesn't unsay things.
I don't want to get in the middle of your he said/she said—cause
fights always have a two sided story and I'm only hearing you here. My
guess? (and I think Jonathan said this earlier) He wasn't mad about
the pen—there was something else underlying the problem and the pen
just set him off. The pen sounds like a pointless catalyst for
something bigger. (It usually is the case when couples start fighting
over things like "where to put the salt shakers" etc…usually it's just
a stupid cover for the real issues) If I were you I'd probably try to
seek out the bigger problems that I suspect is there—either for you or
him. I'm not sure there is always a "right" party in situations like
"which way the toilet paper role goes." I think the bigger issue is
how we respond to conflict—how we treat people when we're upset—and
how we compromise with people not because they're right but because we
love them. I think sometimes it's ok to be like, "I think you're
wrong, but it doesn't matter because THIS much I love you that I'll
compromise with you even when I think you're wrong." Being the first
to say you're sorry isn't a weakness—it's strength. (As long as it's
not morally wrong—putting one person in spiritual, mental or physical
danger—and as long as you're not the only one who's compromising all
the time—If any of those are the case than you've got to stand your
ground—or better yet—RUN for the hills.;)
Damn relationships take so much work; sometimes I ask myself, do I
EVER want a boyfriend? Lol. Anyways hope everything works out well for
you guys. I'll be praying for your bestest—I know you're great (not a
bitch) and from everything I've known of Chris I think he's a good guy
(I mean you did fall in love with him for a reason right?) so I'm sure
you two can get things going in the right direction. Don't stress too
much. You should give me a call sometimes—or at least a nice long
e-mail. =) love ya, cheers!
~Dark Eyes~
I started to write you an email, but it was getting very convoluted. Upon checking your blog for references, I saw that Christy wrote what I was essentially trying to say (only being much more concise about it. Thanks, Christy!), so I will say this, to both of you:
-Calling names and screaming is one of the last things you want to do. It may seem cathartic, but it's the difference between an argument that you can get past and a fight that leaves both parties hurting. I know that sometimes all you want is to give someone a verbal slap in the face, but it's not a good idea. Name-calling and insults mean that respect and rationality have been completely forgotten, and they open the door to much more. If it's OK to call someone a "f***ing bitch" or "f***ing jackass" once, it will become the norm.
-I get the feeling that you and Andrew are similar in arguments--that you feel a need to have the final word when you feel you're right, and that you will continue "beating a dead horse." I think your father is the same (judging from what I've seen in discussions between him and Andrew). And it would seem that Chris is this way as well. I'm not, and I've found that it's honestly better to, you know, just let someone win. Not that you should at all times acquiesce, or that Chris should, either. But there's a difference between winning an argument with a loved one (and the only real "win" is when both people have come to terms with each other's differences of opinion) and being "right," and perhaps you both ought to consider what's worth more: to be happy or to be "right."
-I understand the need to vent and and get it all out, but perhaps a relatively public forum is not the place. Not to say that you should hold it all in, or that you should only gossip about it with your girlfriends, or that Chris should either, but it seems that blogging about it only adds another, more passive-aggressive dimension to the argument. If you (Chris or Allison) can sit down and type it out where the other can read it, you can sit down and talk it out with the other present.
-----------------------------------------
I know that all of this is easier said than done, and that no one (not even me! Surprise!) is perfect, but now that the two of you are living together, you need to be even more careful to respect the other's wishes, pet peeves, etc., however silly or ridiculous you may find them to be. The opportunities for your relationship to soar will only grow, but at the same time, the opportunities to piss each other off will grow as well.
I know that you love each other very much, and I care a lot about both of you, so I hope that you manage to work things out. I'm not asking either of you to change, only to consider what all of us here have said.
First off, I agree with the above comments about the derogatory name calling. Repeatedly calling your significant other a fucking bitch is not productive and is most definitely not going to help things. (That goes for both people.) What it will do is hurt the other person. It's important to remain civil and respect each other. If my boyfriend called me a fucking bitch that would really bother me. Alot.
Ummm- it's a candy bar wrapper. People have accidents and make mistakes all the time. I know you're like the cleanest neat freak I know, so I know you would never mean to do that.
Ummm- it's a pen. I have to agree with everyone else when I say that the pen probably isn't his issue here. Although if some one tried to stick a pen up MY nose, I'd be throwing that pen across the room.
So yeah. You guys should definitely not disrespect one another by calling each other names, that's something I think you should agree on. I personally don't think you need to be sorry about the pen, especially when he was the one who tried to stick it up your nose, but because it bothers him so much I guess that you might apologize anyway, or find out what his real issue is.
And yeah, you need to call me soon! It's been months. I have some things to tell you! ;)
~Anna~
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