Dump Bugs

During the past couple of days, in addition to being sick, I've also been feeling a little on the down side as well. Not just physically, but emotionally. Tonight when I was talking to Chris on the phone, he couldn't help but notice that I didn't really sound like myself when almost every response I gave him was, "Nice."

I realized that I wasn't completely sure why I felt so down, although I had a few rough ideas of what might be some contributing factors. Despite the fact that Chris asked me why I felt so dumpy, I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. I would open my mouth and nothing but a squeek would come out of it. (Literally.) Partly because I myself wasn't sure of ALL the reasons why I felt bad, and partly because I didn't want to share with him the reasons I knew off hand. I knew he was already tired and stressed from studying for his final all weekend and I didn't want to accidently say something that might make him upset. So I decided to keep my mouth shut.

One thing that has sort of been weighing me down is the fact that I haven't heard the words "I love you" for a long time. In fact, the last time he told me that was through a text message sent on April 27th. (I saved it so that's how I know the exact date.) I remember saying "I love you Chris" a few weeks ago as we were getting ready for bed and he didn't say anything in response. I guess that just sort of threw me off. I mean ... I know he does ... but ... it's been over a month since he's told me that he does. The last time was in April and it's now June. I know maybe he doesn't need to hear it as often as me, and I don't even need to hear it every day or all the time, but it's been over a month and it's sort of been eating away at me. It just leaves this tiny little ... "uhhh ... does he still love me?" thought flowing through my head. And I haven't told him again since the night he didn't respond.

Another thing is that when I talked to him today, he didn't even ask me if I was feeling better or how I was feeling at all. I felt awful yesterday and had a 104.8 fever as I was heading to bed last night and he didn't ask me anything regarding how I felt when I called him this afternoon. I'm sure he cares ... but the fact that he didn't say anything made me feel like he didn't.

Lately I've been recording songs for fun and posting them on my myspace profile. Last week I posted a song called "Toxic" (Britney Spears,) so that I could test out all the cool special effects. When I told Chris, he said that when he listened to it he didn't even make it half way through the song because he can't stand Britney Spears. I was slightly annoyed that he couldn't even listen to 3 minutes of song so he could hear the cool effects I added, but I let it go because I understood his dislike for Britney. Well today I spent hours recording a new song, "Kissing You" from Romeo and Juliet. I played the piano too! All Chris said about it was, "it's better than the other one. It's not toxic." But what does that mean? He hated "toxic," so what does, "well it's better than the other one" mean? Couldn't he have just said something like, "oh ... I like it!" instead of something that gives the affect of, "oh it's better than the other one which was awful." I mean I don't expect gloating compliments and praise, but I spent hours on it and he just one-upped it from a song he dispised.

Several times on the phone over the past couple of weeks Chris has said something like, "I'm waiting for YOU to say something," or "You can't seem to carry a conversation without me." Now ... you would think that hearing something like that would make me much more talkative. That I'd be like, "oh, yes, I need to say something now!" But instead it's done just the opposite. I just freeze. I immediately get afraid that he thinks I'm boring and when I try to come up with a topic I just freeze! It's like one of those awful dreams where something bad is happening and you need to yell or scream but when you open your mouth nothing comes out. I have things to say, but lately I've been worrying so much about the fact that he thinks I can't carry on a conversation that I literally can't. It's like when some one tells a child that he/she is stupid, and then the child begins to ACT stupid because he/she assumes the person who told them that is right.

Him not saying "I love you" makes me wonder, (and then feel guilty for wondering in the first place,) me being sick and him not even asking anything about how I feel makes me feel like he doesn't care, his rather "blah" sounding compliment about my song makes me wonder if he even liked it at all, and the fact that he has accused me of not being able to carry on a conversation by myself has left me feeling so paranoid that I freeze. I freeze and then feel even worse because I know that my silence probably bores him. And then I begin to think, "He probably knows alot of smart/interesting girls ... why would he want to stay with some one whose boring?"

One completely ridiculous thing that has added to my feelings of inadequacy is a memory from many months ago. Back in early September, I remember reading several old blogs written by Chris' ex during the time that they were dating. Her blogs made their relationship seem so wonderful as she recounted all the wonderful things they did together and for eachother. The same week I read them, Chris' ex sent him a text message telling him that she was still in love with him. I'll admit that for several days I was worried that he would want to leave me to go back to her. Chris assured me that he didn't want to and I believed him. And I still do. That was that. I haven't been worried about him wanting to leave me for her since. But from what I read back then I can still remember all these "wonderful stories" that she told. Like how he suprised her by coming over and welcoming her with a long stemmed red rose, or how he drove all the way over to take care of her when she was sick, or how they had a special hotel and restaurant just for them. I hadn't given any of these stories a second thought since back in September until now. But some how, in my already worried and sad state, I began to think twisted thoughts like, "How come I've never gotten any flowers?" "How come he drove all the way to her apartment to take care of her when she was sick, but when I'm sick he doesn't even ask how I'm feeling?" And "How come we don't have a special hotel? Or restaurant even? Technically they went to the Elephant Bar together first, so that's not really *our* special place." I know it may be utterly ridiculous for me to think things like these, but with all the other things I've been thinking they just happened.

All these things have sort of rolled into one to create what I like to call "the plague of the dump bugs." Each reason and thought is a little dump bug that bites me. Now, some one might be okay after being bitten by only ONE dump bug. But after many bites from many dump bugs, all the poison from the dump bugs begin to coarse through the person's blood and make them sick.

I didn't want to sound selfish and make Chris think that I believe he doesn't care. Because I'm sure he does. I don't want him to think that I'm ungrateful for the things that he HAS done, because I am. That's why I didn't want to explain why I felt down. I was afraid that telling him these things would make things worse. If I don't tell him, then he will be upset at me for not being open and honest. And if I DO tell him, then he might be upset when he hears what I've been thinking. I wouldn't hold it past myself to screw up things with the one guy I really love. But I just can't seem to stop the dump bugs from biting me.